Kami adalah satu manusia, dwitunggal dalam diri
Dua sisi, asli dan sejati
Terang dan gelap
It was truly wonderful to have my spirit back, my confidence and self esteem rode sky high and everything seemed to be brighter. Yeah, I was breathing again, alive and thrived again, also made numerous decision. No more am I scared of being left alone by my housemate *in fact,I was going to leave her* nor am I afraid unable to get a new job in a new place nor being failed if I tried applying residency. This was me,the true me from high school year,who crazy enough to go after my crush and entered one of the most prestigious university in Singapore, learning physics. Crazy enough to dream of taking both medical and physics school, probably become a world renowned professor and snatched Nobel prize.
The plan of resigning and applying job elsewhere actually accomplished several things. First, I was aware of my ugly self image so I needed to make a good impression when applying. This resulted as me diligently working out every morning *for your information, I started exercising after moving with my housemate but never I working out so hard unless my housemate asked me every single morning* no matter how busy my schedule was. Also, I took care of my face a lot more, yeah buying some cosmetics and stuff. Second, I was also aware that I was clinging to my housemate a lot for reassurance. But, no more. With the return of my self esteem and confidence, I felt more empowered and independent. And ah, dat concert tho. I was so excited to go home, also I planned to meet my BFF and tried a french restaurant.
Oddly enough, the moment I waited on the boarding room, I looked around and realized when I resign later, there will come the same moment in which I’m flooded with sentimental memories which only means 1 things. I will never go back, or if I precisely define my fears, there will come that defining moment of separation that I will never meet my housemate and my senior, ever. The moment of change in which I leave work behind to go to uncertain places and future, leaving behind comfortable stability. Realizing that, the joy and excitement that fueled me for weeks were gone and dread settled in. Not even the thought of watching concert comforted my growing insecurity.
All the shines of thousands spotlights
All the stars we steal from the night sky
Will never be enough, never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it’ll
Never be enough, never be enough for me
However, no matter I clinged so hard to my housemate and my current job, I had made that decision. It would happen, even it cost a lot. Gosh, growing up was hard.
I finally arrived at my home, which I wasn’t so attached to. I let my dad looked me and talked about so many things including my plan because I knew he missed me a lot and I still had some cheerful feelings to share and not to run immediately into my room. Also, that evening I went to the orchestra, which was wonderful. Conducted by Addie MS, the orchestra played several of my beloved soundtracks like The Avengers, Star Wars, Game of Thrones and The Greatest Showman. IT. WAS. WONDERFUL. HEAVENLY.
The next day, I went to French restaurant with my BFF and oh boy, did I miss them, particularly C, since she understood my condition and inspired me to go to therapist. We excitedly tried various menu, duh, I agreed that escargot couldn’t be shared for any reasons, the butter was so delicious. While eating, we talked many things. I wasn’t surprised if C and A had little interest on pursuing residency, after all, they heard more about the down side of residency and more realistic views than I did, or should I say, I still foolishly clinged to that dream, the dream that caused me suffered a lot because it was related to my job too. I told them that I had online consult with psychologist and her advices. C didn’t react well when I told her my psychologist advice. Toxic positivity wasn’t good and I agreed with her. I explained my psychologist told me such advice was necessary so I could hang on my own when my housemate left me. “Ah, to build your self reliance, I see.” And we talked about our support system, which in my case was compromised. If I told my parents I had depression and anciety, they wouldn’t get it, they would think as me unable to move on from job rejection and stressful work combined with lack of recommendation needed for applying residency.
The truth is, I wanted their opinions on me resigning my job. Unfortunately, we talked a little about that, distracted with the oncoming French cuisine. Funny things, I told them that having pets became my primary reason to live applying residency. My logic was : apply residency-become a radiologist-more income-have more money to adopt cats and dogs and their life necessity-get a cat. I imagined if I was interview during applying residency, the answer to question “what is your motivation admit to residency” was “I want to get a cat”. Yeah, probably not gonna happen, but nice thing that I had that small reason to keep going.
I told them I was going to resign from my job but still worried about the difficulty looking for new job, not to mention the salary. A gave me good tips : always relied on numbers. Meaning that if I resign, get a new job near my home, I can eliminate basic expenses since I share, or rather my parents pay, the basic necessities. C pretty much supported that idea and also, supporting my reason to own pets as a basis to apply residency, hehehe. Continue reading “The Woman Who Belongs To Nowhere (10)”